Women's Olympic Melancholy
The world's greatest and most despondent athletes go for the gold
A brand-new chronic illness has gotten in the way of my writing. I have no idea if or when that will change, but in the meantime, enjoy this short post inspired by old Monty Python and Big Girls Blouse.
“We are here at Cortina Olympic Arena, ready to start the gold medal finals for the Women’s Existential Melancholy gold medal event. It was a tough field at the beginning but we have narrowed it down to just two finalists: Renee Scott representing Canada and Cheong Mi-Hyang representing South Korea. Olympic Melancholy on NBC is brought to you by your local Honda dealer — the only vehicle for driving through misty roads in the highlands and wondering if your best years are already behind you. Honda: The Power of Dreams (That Never Came to Pass).
As a reminder, the winner will be determined by the best of seven rounds, with each round going to whichever athlete can maintain the longest silent and uninterrupted sense of dejection. Competitors are allowed to use whatever mental tactics they like so long as they are actually related to their own life experience — this is a new rule after Taylor Lowery won 2024’s Australian open title by mentally singing Fleetwood Mac’s Dreams for four uninterrupted hours.
Of course, we all expected Scott in the final, but Cheong was seen as unlikely to make it past the quarter-finals, but she’s managed to pass by two French melancholists who were both seen as the favorites. Her approach seems to have worked so far, but we’ll see if it holds up against the reigning gold medal champion.
It is worth noting that acclaimed transgender melancholist Autumn Ortega was not able to compete this year after the International Olympic Committee took the controversial decision to ban her from competition — not on biological grounds, but because the emotion-altering effects of hormone therapy and grief over an irretrievably lost childhood were ruled to give her an unfair advantage.
Well, the sound of rain gently pattering against the kitchen window means the time has started! Scott is off to a strong start contemplating her father’s recent cognitive decline due to ALS and that he will never have a significant relationship with his granddaughter, but Cheong is quickly building momentum by staring out at a snowbank and thinking about every person she ever flirted with on the train and whether any of them might have made her truly happy. Cheong is widely known for her ability to imagine elaborate scenarios to create sorrow, a reputation she gained early when she won the Korean National Junior’s tournament at age 10 by wondering what would happen to her if all her relatives died in a freak tour bus accident.
Was that a laugh from Cheong? The officials are reviewing the replay now ... no, it looks like it was just a bitter chuckle, she was recoiling at the absurdity that as close as she ever tries to get to her loved ones, she will never have the time to truly know them.
And that’s a big sigh from Scott, who is already pivoting to wondering whether she’ll ever have time to finish the manuscript of her romantic poetry anthology. That is a bold change of strategy; we’ll see if it pays off, but that could be effective, especially with the knowledge that she could have finished it in her twenties instead of wasting time on meaningless pursuits still in play. And it seems like — oh no! She’s accidentally discovered forgiveness for her the shortcomings of her overworked, under-supported younger self! That’s going to give the first round to Cheong, that big risk by the Canadian that not paying off this time.
Coverage of Olympic Melancholy be back after a quick break. And later, we’ll see some highlights the men’s final with an exclusive interview of Team USA’s Eric Dougherty, where he’ll break down his hybrid strategy of simultaneously dwelling on the deaths of Fast and Furious actor Paul Walker and the Buffalo Bills’ 1991 loss of Super Bowl XXV on a missed field goal. Stay with us!”